Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
