did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
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