All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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