Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
what day is it and did you see me today?
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
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