I wish I only lived at night.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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