What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
FUCK WHALES
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
