Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
