Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
