my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
