So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Randomize
