If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
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