My sheets look like a crime scene.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
