so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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