so... how was it???
he had bart simpson sheets. he had itunes on shuffle and "don't worry be happy" started playing when he took his boxers off. sad to say i was neither worried nor happy
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
