I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Randomize
