Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
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