Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
