Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I said "one day" and that day is not today
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
