that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
