there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
