sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
