Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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