he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
