Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
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