Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
