I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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