did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
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