and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
