How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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