you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
