I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Randomize
