Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
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