I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Randomize
