Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
