My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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