I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Getting drunk in a different country is not a good idea. Lets just say spanish women, 17 yr olds from missouri, prostitutes, and a poodle. I don´t want to leave spain.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
