If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I just had sex on a roof
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
