i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
