Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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