i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
