Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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