oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
