who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
