I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I think I just sharted jello shots
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