I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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