i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
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