I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
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