I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
