We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
