How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Randomize
