No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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