dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
