I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
