i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
