I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Randomize
